Ep. 004 | “Responding to Hurtful Words”

Aug 5

In this episode, I chatted with Trillia Newbell about how we can respond biblically to hurtful comments in the wake of loss (both inwardly and outwardly). We talked about why well intended comments are often so painful, and talked about responses like assuming the best, walking away, and even offering a strong rebuke to uphold God’s truth and protect the next woman. Trillia shared two personal examples of hurtful comments she received and how she responded and we even walked through how to handle to a few specific common responses to miscarriage. I pray that you would walk away from listening to this episode feeling seen by God and more equipped for your next awkward or painful encounter.

About Trillia Newbell:

Trillia Newbell is the author of several books including A Great Cloud of Witnesses, Sacred Endurance, If God Is For Us, Fear and Faith, and the children’s book, God’s Very Good Idea. When she isn’t writing, she’s encouraging and supporting other writers as an Acquisitions Editor at Moody Publishers. Trillia is married to her best friend, Thern, they reside with their two children near Nashville, TN. You can find her at trillianewbell.com and follow her on twitter at @trillianewbell.

Questions in this Episode:

Would you start off by just telling us a bit about your own experience with miscarriage?
I’m curious to know, why do you think so many of the responses people offer to women walking through the pain of pregnancy loss land in such a raw place? Why are so many of these attempts to be helpful actually so unhelpful?
How does the truth of the gospel and God’s word bring comfort when we are met with a lack of sensitivity or understanding from others?
How should the truth of the gospel and God’s word inform the way we respond to hurtful or unhelpful responses from others?
How can we practically prepare for these comments/ interactions in a way that both guards our hearts and helps us not to sin against our neighbors in our anger and pain?
Let’s walk through some common comments and maybe you can help us think through how we might respond.
“I don’t understand why you’re making such a big deal out of this.”
“At least you weren’t very far along.”
“At least you know you can get pregnant.”
“Better it didn’t survive. This is just your body’s way of getting rid of a defective baby.”
Questions for every guest:
What’s one way God has used your experience of miscarriage to work in your heart and life?
If you could encourage a woman to meditate on or memorize any verse or short set of verses in this season, what would it be and why?

Noteworthy Quotes:

“I think we just don’t know how to handle crisis, discouragement, weeping… we have a hard time with silence. We’re just uncomfortable with some things. And so we use words to try to make sense of it. We would never say that we are all-knowing. But we operate as if we know more than we do. And so, we might say, “we know why! Because this, or that, or the other!” And so I think we attribute a characteristic that is only of the Lord to ourselves… [but] it is not transferable. There’s an arrogance in how we can communicate with people because of a lack of understanding.”

“Understanding the character of God and the nature of him allows for us to kind of filter out the noise and run to the proper place.”

“Reminding myself of the character and nature of God, reminding myself that I go to a throne of grace, and that he draws near, hes personally acquainted with me and it’s a personal relationship—he cares deeply, allows for me to kind of filter those comments and put them in their right place.”

“I do think we can speak truth in love, we can correct, because we want to help the next person. So I think there’s a place to say ‘Thank you, but this may have been unhelpful because…’ and be real clear.”

“In that case, I didn’t actually say anything. I went away and prayed. It was one of those situations where I [thought it would be] so hard at that moment to engage fully. There was so much that I thought, you know what I’m going to pull away, and I am going to wait for another opportunity if one presents itself, and I am going to pray. And so I pray for my own heart. I prayed that the Lord would help heal my heart.”

“Abide in Jesus. This is for every trial. We prepare for the storm by getting on our knees and opening our bibles... Any of the things we’ve said to apply is by the power of the Lord and by the wisdom of God. It’s not by us, right? So where do you get that? By drawing near to him in his word and praying and asking him for help.”

“I’m so grateful for the Psalms. We can lament. We don’t have to be buttoned up. Whatever you think you need to be, you will be surprised by what you are. I was surprised that I didn’t want to get out of bed. The Lord helped me get out of bed, but I also allowed myself that moment of lamenting. And so, we won’t be surprised by the clenching of our firsts. We can then ask the Lord for help. We will be well prepared for that sorrow and suffering when we can see ourselves as we are rather than as we think we are.”

“I am just so aware that God has knit our babies together in our wombs. So life to me begins at conception. It would be so hard if I was further along and I mourn with those who are further along. I would agree that it would be hard, and I am so sorry for the women who go further into their pregnancy, that would be devastating. And yet, God cared for this child and so because I know that is true from the scriptures, I’m still really sad.”

“Who are we to put value on a person. I would very strongly challenge that person as I am doing now. We have no right to put the value and worth on another human being. And so I would speak the truth in love to that person very strongly without hesitation because I think that they would need that sort of level of clear rebuke because I do think that if you believe that then how do you view people that are disabled? And so that to me would be a need for a clear statement on the value of people, and people made in the image of God.”

“I learned so much about the level of weeping and the lament [from miscarriage]. I learned to truly lament and not try to just put on a cheery face, but I was sorrowful and I couldn’t break through with happy thoughts. I was deeply in need of learning how to weep, and the Lord met me in that. It was really good. And it’s helped me love people who do struggle with depression. It enabled me to love my neighbor better.”