Ep. 003 | “Grief, Guilt, and Gratitude”

Jul 29

In this episode, I chatted with my friend Lauren Washer about the complicated interaction between grief, guilt and gratitude. Lauren is well acquainted with grief of many kinds shared with candor about her grief over her miscarriages, the tragic unsolved murder of her brother, and a difficult diagnosis for one of her children at birth. We talked about the temptation to feel guilt over our grief because it feels like ingratitude and how to biblically navigate living in this tension between weeping and rejoicing, lament and thanksgiving, gladness and grief. I pray that this episode will be an encouragement to you as you navigate this tension in the wake of your own loss.

About Lauren Washer:

Lauren is a wife, mom of six, Bible teacher, and writer who lives in Norfolk, Virginia. She enjoys helping women apply the truth of God's Word to every moment, so they will grow to know and love Jesus more. You can find more of her writing and connect with her on Instagram and her blog.

Questions in this Episode:

Would you start off by just telling us a bit about your own experience with miscarriage?
Let’s just start with some of the griefs that you have known and how you have been tempted to feel guilty for feeling sad?
Why else do you think someone who is grieving a miscarriage might feel guilt over feeling sad or the magnitude of their sorrow? I’m curious in particular about how "at least" comments from others can foster that kind of thinking.
What wisdom does God’s word offer us in this place, when we are tempted to think of grief as being a sinful lack of gratitude?
So we have established that we should fight the temptation to suppress our grief because it feels "ungrateful." But what role, if any, should gratitude play in our grief? Is it something we should still seek to cultivate even while we are lamenting?
What has it looked like for you to let joy and sorrow coexist as you walked through your miscarriages? In the loss of your brother? In tough diagnoses for your children?
Practically speaking, what are some things we can do that will help us to hold grief and gratitude, weeping and rejoicing in tension?
Questions for every guest:
What’s one way God has used your experience of miscarriage to work in your heart and life?
If you could encourage a woman to meditate on or memorize any verse or short set of verses in this season, what would it be and why?

Noteworthy Quotes:

“…it was still awful. Miscarriage always is. It’s the loss of a life. And it’s to be grieved like any other death. And that kind of grief affects every aspect of our lives— whether its the death of someone we’ve known forever, or a baby we only saw in a picture on a screen or knew about from two lines on a pregnancy test. Miscarriage is not something that we can or should dismiss, disregard, or diminish.” (5:44)

“But I think with all of those griefs, its been really tempting to look at other people’s lives and compare. And I think that’s where oftentimes the guilt comes in. … My life isn’t that bad, it’s not as bad as this person… or… At least I have a son, he might have a diagnosis that will have ongoing effects on our lives. But I have something. So that sadness can creep in and I can feel guilt about it.” (10:30)

“Sometimes I’m tempted to feel guilty for being sad over my miscarriages when I look around my table and see 6 healthy children. I mean I have a big family—the big family that I always wanted. So what more could I want? Why do I feel sad about the two that I lost?… We have to constantly live in that tension. It’s the theological concept of the already and the not yet that we live in. We grieve and we have great hope of what’s coming but in the meantime we’re living in this broken world and we have to wrestle with that reality”. (12:07)

“At least you can get pregnant … that just is not helpful. It just dismisses your pain. But I think it also minimizes the loss of a life. Miscarriage is a death… Psalm 139 talks about that, that from the moment of conception you have a life. So yes, I can get pregnant. But I want to know that child and I don’t get to so saying at least you can get pregnant isn’t helpful.”

“We feel the sorrow, obviously, differently than anyone around us… And so we can feel guilty over the magnitude of our sorrow because life moves on and people stop talking about it. And we want to get over our loss because it’s uncomfortable. We don’t want to keep crying. We don’t want to feel the pain. Because it hurts and its hard. And so when that just is so heavy on us we can start to think that maybe there’s something wrong with us or we’re not allowed to feel sorrowful… that can be a struggle.”

“I can’t stress enough how important it is to be in the word—to be in God’s word. The moments when grief has struck me the hardest, the only thing that has helped me in those moments has been God’s word. [It] offers us all the wisdom that we need to know how to hold these things.”

“In the book of Ecclesiastes chapter 3 verses 1 through 3, Solomon talks about there’s a time for everything. There’s a time to mourn and a time to rejoice. So wisdom tells us that it’s okay to do those things. The Psalmist, David, wet his bed with his tears. I loved that imagery when I was grieving because it gave me permission… And yet he constantly turned his heart back to God’s character. That gives us a picture example of how to do both.”

“It’s my posture in the midst of my grief, do I have my fists clenched to the Lord or anger, railing at him for what he has done in my life? Because if we believe he is sovereign, and he is, then he could have stopped whatever the thing is that we’re grieving. He could have made that baby live. But if I also believe that he’s good, and that his goodness is for me, and that he loves me… that helps us come to God with this posture of open palms and say, God I’m hurting and this is really hard but I’m going to trust you, and I’m going to ask you to change me in the midst of this. Help me understand you better.”

“We might not understand our circumstances, but we can understand God better in the midst of our pain.”

“We can’t understand holding grief and gratitude without looking to Jesus. Because he’s the only person who grieved without sinning. And he grieved. In John 11:35 he wept. Was he ungrateful in that moment? Of course not, because he was perfect. And so we see from that that it is possible to do this. We look to Jesus, who also carried our grief, to see know how to hold this tension.” (20:36)

“If we dismiss our grief or suppress it, there’s no opportunity to draw near to God to be comforted.” (Abbey)

“As Christians, we are to be grateful people. Gratitude is a command. Give thanks in all circumstances. So that should always be something that we’re cultivating in our lives because it’s on of the marks of God’s people: that we are thankful. I mean you look in the psalms and the psalms are full of laments but they are also full of thanksgiving. And so that should never be something that we cancel out from our lives because we’re going through something hard.”

“When we’re talking about gratitude in our grief we’re actually learning like Paul did in Philippians chapter 4 verses 11-12 that he learned to be content in all circumstances… he had experienced all kinds of suffering bu he knew contentment in the midst of that. And contentment really goes a lot deeper than a list of gifts.”

“Our circumstances cannot dictate our gratitude. Only Jesus can dictate our gratitude. And that is a kind of gratitude that never goes away. It never changes. It is this contentment that is rooted in Jesus. Who he is. What he’s done for us. And how everything about Jesus’s life, death, and resurrection secures for us a permanent security in heaven.”

“We are groaning for the salvation that is coming, but it is a reality. Even though we haven’t experienced it yet, it is just as sure as the hard circumstances that we’re facing. And so that is what we are rejoicing over.” (25:15)

“When we let people help us, it often gives us the space that we need to grieve. That also does cultivate gratitude in us to see how the body of Christ works.”

“Somehow… Jesus just becomes way more precious to us and the hope that we have in heaven and the desire to see him face to face just grows with every grief that gets piled on. And I’m so grateful that God does it that way. I don’t understand it. He could choose any other thing. But for some reason he has chosen suffering to be the means that we share with Christ and get to know him better and love him more.” (33:05)