Ep. 007 | Thinking and Praying through “Trying” After Loss with Gretchen Saffles

Aug 26

In this episode of the Held Podcast, I chatted with Gretchen Saffles about thinking and praying through “trying” after loss. We talked through some general struggles and specific scenerios that may confront a woman as she considers when to “try” or whether or not she and her husband should “try” at all after miscarriage. Gretchen shared her own experience thinking through this question, which she is still currently navigating, and helped us think through how to practice discernment about things that aren't clearly outlined in scripture. This episode is saturated with biblical encouragement and practical guidance. I hope it will encourage you as you think and pray through this question for your own family.

About Gretchen Saffles:

Gretchen Saffles is passionate about encouraging and equipping women to dig into the Word of God and find their identity and purpose in Christ. She is the founder of Well-Watered Women, an online ministry that reaches women worldwide. Through her online ministry she longs to meet women right where they are with the hope of the gospel and to ignite a desire in their hearts to know Jesus more. Gretchen lives in Atlanta, Georgia with her husband, Greg, and her two sons, Nolan and Haddon.

Questions in this Episode:

1. Would you start off by just telling us a bit about your own experience with miscarriage?

2. I know that you weren’t necessarily “trying” for the baby that Greg lost to miscarriage, what was your experience like thinking and praying through growing your family after loss?

3. How do you know when the “right time” to try again is or if it’s “right” to try again at all?

4. What are some practical things we should do as we consider “trying” or “trying again?” What are some specific questions we should ask ourselves or ask the Lord?

5. Let’s walk through a few scenarios of pregnancy after loss and maybe you can share some wisdom with us for each one…

a woman wants to grow her family but is really afraid to lose another baby and doesn’t feel like she’s in a stable place emotionally or “ready” for that
a woman doesn’t feel ready to try but her husband is really pushing to become pregnant again
a woman is eager to try again because she feels like it will take her pain away/ help her to heal

6. Obviously “trying” and “getting pregnant” are not synonymous. Perhaps a woman listening has decided they won’t really “try” but they’ve stopped preventing, or maybe she and her husband are actively trying but the waiting is starting to get to her, what encouragement would you offer to the woman longing to be pregnant again for whom it is just not happening? Perhaps someone is listening who hasn’t started trying again yet but is fearful of infertility. What would you say to her?

Questions for every guest:

What’s one way God has used your experience of miscarriage to work in your heart and life?

If you could encourage a woman to meditate on or memorize any verse or short set of verses in this season, what would it be and why?

Noteworthy Quotes:

“We can make our plans, but ultimately it is God who brings life. It is God who is sovereign over every single little detail of our lives.”

“A lot of times we can go to our planning stages without first praying, without first coming to God in humble submission to him asking him to fulfill in us the desires that he has, to give us his desires that are according to his kingdom and his will. So first, prayer.”

“Seek wisdom. What is going on in our lives right now? How is our marriage? What has God called us to do?”

“What’s really beautiful is the accounts in scripture that we have. Think about the story of Sarah who longed for a child, and yet we know that she was so past childbearing, and we see God’s greater plan in that child, to bring the coming Messiah, to show the people that our God is greater, that he can work beyond any human means. So, we look back to scripture and we see these examples that God gave us to trust him with his timing. And you think of Hannah too… God heard her cry, and it says “in God’s appointed time.” And we also see in God’s appointed time that he sent his Son. So we trust God with his timing. We surrender and submit to him who has always been faithful to his people.”

“Our God is a God of trust and a God of peace. After losing a baby I quickly realized how easy it is for a spirit of fear to take over and for the “what if” questions to start going on repeat… You can bring those fears before God.”

“God, in the form of Jesus, he suffered on the cross. He knows what it’s like to suffer.”

“Seek counsel. Seek out a christian counselor or your pastor or wisdom from an older woman at church. Seek wise counsel. Don’t try to heal and to go through this all on your own. That’s why we have the body of Christ, the church, to receive comfort and counsel from...seek counsel for that spiritual and emotional healing.”

“Come to God. I’m saying this over and over again because a lot of times this is not our first response: to go to the Lord in suffering, in confusion, in trial. We go to other people, we go to google. we go to books, to doctors… and there’s wisdom in seeking out that counsel, but first, press into the Lord.”

“Anything that I look to for hope and healing in this life other than Christ is ultimately going to be short. It won’t fulfill that desire. That pain can only be healed at the cross.”

“When we think that God should remove the pain, we can also go back to Christ who submitted to God in that pain, and God brought ultimate healing and redemption through that.”

“I think one of the deepest most important theologies that we should seek to learn and develop as a Christian is a theology of Suffering. God has never said that as a Christian you will never suffer. Never has he said that. And somehow we believe that. But we see in scripture that suffering draws us into a deeper relationship with Christ.”

“We have to know who God is. We have to remember that hope we have in Christ. And that we have a helper in the Holy Spirit.”

“Psalm 27:14 is so important for us to remember in seasons of waiting because it tells us how to wait, and what we wait for. It says, ‘Wait for the Lord. Be strong and let your heart take courage. Wait for the Lord.’ And in this we see this active waiting. It’s not just saying, oh, go sit and don’t do anything. [It’s] this active waiting and pressing in and seeking the Lord, taking courage and confidence that his word is true.”

“His word is our hope, it is our promise and our peace, and we wait for him. It’s so easy to get that backwards and think “I’m just waiting for a baby, I’m just waiting for this pregnancy, and then everything will be okay.” We have to be able to recognize those thoughts and bring them captive and fuel those thoughts with the truth of God’s word.”

“Don’t allow this season of waiting to steal the joy that you could have in your marriage. The opportunity to love your husband and to glorify God right where you are by serving others, by seeking him in the Word. What consumes your mind is what’s going to drive your feelings and drive your actions, and so be consumed with Christ. Be consumed with his love. Be consumed with awe of who God is in the world and in creations. Let that be the guide that propels you in this season of waiting.”

“One way [God has used miscarriage in my life] is to show me that he is still good when life is hard. He is still good when the floor beneath my feet seems to start quaking or my plans start crumbling, that he is still a firm foundation I can cling to and I can find shelter and hope in.”

Scripture References:

Revelation 21

Proverbs 19:21

Romans 8:14-15

2 Timothy 4:7

Luke 22:42

Psalm 27:14

Psalm 13

Resources Mentioned:

The Reason for God by Tim Keller