Ep. 006 | “To Tell or Not to Tell” with Kristen Wetherell

Aug 19

In this episode of the Held Podcast, I chatted with Kristen Wetherell about making the decision to share or not to share about your miscarraige, or how publicly to share if you choose to do so. Kristen and I made really different choices in this area. We talked about everything from reasons people choose not to share, to the benefits of sharing with a choice few or more publicly, to what to do if someone finds out about your loss later and feels offended you didn’t share with them. Her biblical encouragement regarding decision making and conscience is a freeing gift. I hope you’ll find it helpful as you consider whether or not to (or how privately or publicly to) talk about your own pregnancy loss.

About Kristen Wetherell:

Kristen Wetherell is a wife, mother, and writer. She is the author of Fight Your Fears and the co-author of the award-winning book Hope When It Hurts. Kristen lives in Chicagoland with her husband, Brad, who is a pastor. They have two children.

Questions in this Episode:

Would you start off by just telling us a bit about your own experience with miscarriage?

Tell us a little about you and Brad’s personal decision regarding sharing (or not sharing) about your miscarriage?

What are some other reasons that you imagine might cause a woman to want to keep her miscarriage private? What are some of the cons of this?

What are some reasons or benefits to sharing about your loss with a few friends/ family members…. or even more publicly?

Can you walk us through a scenario where your miscarriage comes up in conversation and a friend is offended or hurt that you didn’t share about this with them. What might be a wise and loving way to respond?

How can we discern if our reason for sharing or not sharing is sinful or if it is good/wise? (obviously this is a tricky question) How should we go about making that decision?

Questions for every guest:

What’s one way God has used your experience of miscarriage to work in your heart and life?

If you could encourage a woman to meditate on or memorize any verse or short set of verses in this season, what would it be and why?

Noteworthy Quotes:

“Before I miscarried we made the decision to share about the pregnancy knowing that if anything were to happen, these were the people we would want to also weep with us if we lost the baby. We shared basically with our family and our extended family and our closest friends. These were people we knew we wanted to pray for us, and we knew we could entrust this to, and also who we knew would cry with us and walk alongside us well should anything happen. So when I miscarried we felt very surrounded by people who love us and truly care for us.”

“God’s spirit has given us the gift of conscience and guides us… and it just didn’t sit well with us personally to share more publicly, say on social media or to have our parents sharing. It was a level of comfort or discomfort.”

“Primarily, it feels so private because this life and then this loss has taken place in an unseen place. I could see a woman deciding not to say anything because it feels unseen. I think people may not share because it’s just too painful. Every time we share,... we’re revisiting and reentering the pain, and I think that women may not want to magnify it in that sense. Another reason I thought of is broken trust. I think if we’ve had negative experiences of sharing hard things with people and facing improper responses or insensitive responses, that could be with family or friends, it could be with the church [but] if we’ve been hurt by people I think we’ll be less likely to share in the future. And then finally, I thought about shame. Whether we don’t want to rehearse it again or we’re afraid that people will judge us or think that we did something to cause it, I think that shame is a reason people don’t share.”

“In the realm of faith, I think we miss opportunities to proclaim our hope to those who don’t believe. Where as if you have close friends who are unbelievers or if you decide to share this more publicly, I think we’re able to display 1 Thessalonians 4:13 that we grieve as people with hope and we can display that to those who don’t have hope and perhaps the Lord might even use that to draw them to himself.”

“I think it’s so fortifying to see brothers and sisters in Christ walking through intense suffering with faith in Christ.”

“We want to be receiving the care of our friends and the care of the body of Christ whether it’s through the words that people speak over us or the service that we receive when we’re in a place of very obvious need and weakness.”

“We’re pretty burdened when we’re hurting. And it’s such a blessing to others to be able to bear our burdens and it allows them to serve us in that way (Gal 6:2) and it allows us I think a measure of healing.”

“Having believing sisters in Christ encourage me to trust the character of God was a healing balm to my soul. It’s so hard, because frankly, you become a little suspicious in times of suffering.”

“Even Paul [in 1 Corinthians 1] felt utterly burdened beyond his strength, and so many women who go through a miscarraige feel that way, physically, spiritually, and I was so struck by this because he talks about the body of christ helping him by prayer and pointing that out as a particular ministry and so i think a benefit to sharing, whether with close friends or more publicly is that ministry of prayer. ‘Please pray for us because this is the way that the Lord will uphold us if through your prayers.’” (21:56)

“When we share we open ourselves up to be comforted by those who have gone through miscarriage specifically [or] suffering in general, but I think we also love people because we let them in so that they know whats going on and can respond accordingly. And again, that’s not meaning that you have to share [specifically], I think you can tell people, “We’re going through a hard time, please pray for us.” But there’s a specific way to love people here in that you let them in and you allow them to minister to you in such a way that meets your specific need.”

“If I waited to make any decision until my heart and my motives were perfectly pure I would never do anything… I don’t think our motivations are ever sinless… but I do think we can act in faith, meaning that we can act in a level of comfort that we are being faithful to the Lord.”

“So whether you’re sharing with close friends who know the Lord or with the world from a more public platform, it seems as though Paul is saying “ I want my conscience to testify to what I’m doing. I want to move forward feeling really comfortable in my decision.” And so I think that kind of has to be our motivator. We should absolutely pray for God’s help, “Help me to know, should I share this more publicly? Less publicly? And help me to do whatever I choose to do with, as Paul says, with godly sincerity.” But we can rest knowing that even though our decision will somehow in some degree be laced with sin, God’s grace covers all of our wrong motives and he can use it.”

Scripture References:

Romans 12:15

2 Corinthians 1

1 Thessalonians 4:13

1 Peter 1

Proverbs 27:6

Galatians 6:2

Psalm 31:14-15

Job 1:21